Here's a secret from my life: Although I LOVE swimming, I have not owned a swimsuit of my own for years, and I go swimming only once or twice a summer. In my Mom's suit. With a girlfriend or two.
Well, I'm going to be at the ocean later this summer--literally living ten minutes away--so the time has arrived to bite the bullet, stop borrowing my Mom's swimsuit, and become the proud owner of a suit or two myself. Hopefully cute ones that I'd feel comfortable with, ones that would give me confidence, right?
Well, let's look at the available styles of swim suit. How many are actually designed to make the women feel comfortable?? Looking at ads recently, all I see is a bunch of women sticking either chests or bums out, like the purpose of the beach is to get hit on as many times as possible. Weirdly, not my goal. I know, I know, you'd think girls live for conquests, but let me tell you, this one doesn't. I happen to want one relationship with one guy, instead of a myriad with as many as possible, where the first (and possibly only) thing on the mind of those men is how I look in a bathing suit--or you know, out of one. Or even how quickly they can get me out of one. (Hint: On the honeymoon. So good luck brother, your odds approach zero.) Call me crazy.
I know sexuality can't be ignored. I'm not blaming men for having drives. I don't blame myself for having one, a very healthy one, thank you very much. I'm not trying to ignore this part of human nature. I'm just trying to find something that is not provocative. I'm so enormously frustrated that I am having a hard time finding a swim suit that I can feel comfortable in. Just because I have a certain shape, shall we say, doesn't mean I want that kind of attention from everyone who sees me. I simply want to feel peaceful while wearing this item of clothing. And finding a suit that supports the way I choose to present my body--which I did approach with optimism at the start--is making me so frustrated I could scream. The only suits I have been able to find that actually support and fit me are ones that show a ton more than I want to show. Apparently being fully covered is only for smaller girls?
I tried on ALL the swimsuits that were my size in a store of my choosing. All of them, even the ones with patterns so ugly I squinted while trying them one, just to give the fit a chance. Results: Not enough support. Enough support, but too loose on the waistband to actually stay on me in the water. (Did I mention I'm going to swim, not just sunbathe?) Too little support. Fits on the waist, but way too small elsewhere. Too small elsewhere, fits on the waist. Nowhere near enough support. On and on, one pieces and tankinis; it was the same story over and over. Well, that was a good use of an hour or two.
Online! Online I can custom-select my size. So I combed through a site, and picked specifically the most covering styles I could find in my size. And they shipped to me, and I tried them on, and guess what? The tankini top is a joke if you're looking for coverage. Apparently smaller models don't give an accurate idea of how things will look on me. Joy.
The best (read: ironic and stupid) part? I did buy a bikini top, and it covers me more. Not as much as I want, but more than the tankini. Well, excellent, because I happen to know of an newly-launched invention that you can add to a bikini top to transform it into a tankini. Let me send off for that.
It came today, and guess what? My compromise doesn't even fit me. The straps that you feed the bikini waistband through are too small for the strap of this bikini's waistband. I could go the next size up on the invention, but...it will almost definitely be too big on the waist. And this bikini top was the only one I could even imagine putting on, as the rest either had too little support (which, as I found at the store, was invariably the case for anything with vague sizes like M or L) or too little material.
Options--keep looking. (Save me now! But I will continue to do so.) Screw it all and wear a bikini, wherein I would be uncomfortable the whole time. (And, you know, judged.) Or borrow my Mom's swimsuit.
I might do that, and use a stupid sports bra with it. (Fits at the waist, but not elsewhere...) Because who needs to have a suit that doesn't make them look like a grandma anyhow? Apparently that's my only option if I don't want to hang out for the world to see.
And yeah, it pisses me off.
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