I was reminded recently of an image that taught me a lot when it first came into my life, and it just came back to me:
A hand, gently trying to help a rose bloom more quickly by tugging on petals in an effort to help them separate.
This is not how nature works. Roses bloom on their own time, and trying to "help it along" damages the flower more often than not, destroying what it could have been.
Sometimes, the best path is truly to step back and let the rose bloom into what it was always made to be. Sometimes the brave course is waiting and trusting that the Being who made the rose is wise to let it reach its beauty without any meddling. Sometimes, there is a reverence to the experience of waiting.
It can be enough to simply wait, trusting in the process to come to its fruition; Amen!
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Just writing to write tonight, so don't expect too much.
I am tired of looking at screens--I do it all day at work now since I've changed jobs, and then come home and usually watch Netflix for a while, then have to set my alarm on my phone before I go to bed, and it just feels like I'm looking at them ALL THE TIME. My eyes are stuffed with little boxes displaying light and boxes of color and words and it's giving me a headache and drying me out.
I want to see blue skies and feel air on my skin and feel like my own mind is the one occupying my skull again. I feel burdened with thinking about other stories than my own at night while I watch the flicker and feel my life slowly trickle away. Surely this is not what I came here for!
I feel restless, too, since computers are an inescapable tool that I need to use, even for this kind of self expression. I feel like my body is wasting away for want of use, worn, despite the fact that I'm trying to get up and use it. There is this visceral lack of motion in my life at the moment; this lack of connecting in a physical way, with a few exceptions. It makes me tired, thinking of what I have not interacted with in the outside world recently...
On the other hand, I am glad that I feel more centered internally again. I no longer feel lost, like I'm starving for light and don't know how to invite it anymore. I think visiting my mission and sharing the people there with Jay helped with that. Also reading scriptures again has helped, especially since it's been in the morning. I feel peaceful and ok once more with where I am spiritually. That was a long time coming! I felt like a spinning, uncentered lump of clay on the throwing wheel, bump bump bumping against the hand trying to steady me, for quite a while there. It is relieving, like a breath of air, to feel myself again, and I am grateful.
Guys, I really don't have much else to say. I'm grateful for the patience that was given me and the perspective that comes with time and the chance to cool off. I'm excited to see my sister when she visits in few weeks and I am enjoying that book The Intentional Family by William J. Doherty.
That's it.
I want to see blue skies and feel air on my skin and feel like my own mind is the one occupying my skull again. I feel burdened with thinking about other stories than my own at night while I watch the flicker and feel my life slowly trickle away. Surely this is not what I came here for!
I feel restless, too, since computers are an inescapable tool that I need to use, even for this kind of self expression. I feel like my body is wasting away for want of use, worn, despite the fact that I'm trying to get up and use it. There is this visceral lack of motion in my life at the moment; this lack of connecting in a physical way, with a few exceptions. It makes me tired, thinking of what I have not interacted with in the outside world recently...
On the other hand, I am glad that I feel more centered internally again. I no longer feel lost, like I'm starving for light and don't know how to invite it anymore. I think visiting my mission and sharing the people there with Jay helped with that. Also reading scriptures again has helped, especially since it's been in the morning. I feel peaceful and ok once more with where I am spiritually. That was a long time coming! I felt like a spinning, uncentered lump of clay on the throwing wheel, bump bump bumping against the hand trying to steady me, for quite a while there. It is relieving, like a breath of air, to feel myself again, and I am grateful.
Guys, I really don't have much else to say. I'm grateful for the patience that was given me and the perspective that comes with time and the chance to cool off. I'm excited to see my sister when she visits in few weeks and I am enjoying that book The Intentional Family by William J. Doherty.
That's it.
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