Depression is so annoying because it ebbs and flows. There is no "normal," there are just days where I feel better or worse.
I haven't felt this particular kind of worse in a long, long time. It's the kind where I would like to sleep, not just a bit extra to ease the ache of feeling, but the kind of sleeping which has the express purpose of letting as much time as possible pass without having to be concious of it; grimly fighting my way back to unconsciousness when I surface in late afternoon, eyes squinched shut to block out the world, scrabbling for the illogical vaugarities of dreamland. It's the kind where I truly consider up and moving to a place I've never been just so I don't have to face the people and situations that have made me feel so worn and defeated. I get scared when I feel fight leaving me, for I am a fighter, so to lose the will to keep trying makes me feel like I've lost myself.
I've been a wreck recently. Last week in church I pretty much cried through everything, tears quietly dripping off my cheeks. It's just today that I'm seeing/admitting that there is more to my present state than bronchitis and exhaustion from a battling immune system. The larger portion of the pie is mental illness, damn it.
And I'm actually doing better this evening than I did this afternoon. Thank goodness for cats! A measure of content stole over me as my friend's kitten rested on my clavicle tonight, sleepily arching its limbs and letting me stroke its tiny, soft paw pads. And laying down yesterday while talking girl talk, serious and calm, helped too. There are still moments of grace in the inferno which keep my heart beating. They cause me to remember that the clouds have always passed before and are sure to do so again.
I think often of the Brother of Jared and my mission president stating that when he watched the Lord touch and infuse light into the 16 small stones, it was also a symbol of us being able to see Christ touching those we love and pouring light into their lives. He said that often we are converted by seeing Father act in other lives than our own. This is giving me hope right now. I'm in no place to see the miracles He is giving me--I'm honest enough to know that is just not my headspace right now--but I see good happening for others and am doing my best to trust that maybe looking back I'll see His kindness towards me.
