Must

I inherited a Shakespearean set of those poetry fridge magnets with a lot of individual pre-printed words on them that you move around to make sentences--or poems, haha.

Yesterday, I was sweeping my kitchen in a company-is-en-route, whip-this-place-into-shape kind of way. One of my swipes passed through the gap underneath the bottom of the fridge door and pulled out a magnet that had fallen off the freezer door. I decided to sweep it up as part of the dirt pile that I'd formed nearby, and as I pushed it towards the dust pan with the broom, it flipped over so I could see what it said.

It was the word must, and I couldn't help but notice that how fitting it is to put that word in the trash can. It belongs there, as do the words should and ought.

Frustration

I hate that taking care of myself entails medications and therapist appointments on top of trying to get enough sleep, excersicing, and eating well, and that making time for friends and spiritual food is something I schedule in just to be able to cope with life, but even all that effort does not prevent me from having days like today, where I snot-nosed cry about old, old wounds that I'd forgotten for a while.

A moment of pure happiness

Driving down the freeway, rain spattered my windshield. Mountains rose in the distance, swathed in mist. Zipping through the saturated palette of charcoal, forest green and white, water whipping beneath my tires in a satisfying spray, I felt the luckiness of my life. To live in such a beautiful location is something I have been aware of countless times before, but this is a desert and rain is seldom sustained for more than a few minutes at a time. This was a real downpour, lasting hours and recalling to memory the rainstorms of Upstate New York.  Lifting tendrils of fog in foreground and their effect on the colors of scenery made the joy of wild weather hum softly in me, underscored by my confidence in the imperviousness of my little cherry-hued travelling machine. How glorious, to live in this valley, to own a car and have a place to drive during the rarity of rain!

Foggy mind

Lowered clarity of thought is one of the side effects of my thyroid conditions. I have to say, I'm glad I know how intelligent I am because I have not been hitting my highest levels of insight for some time now, haha. My mind feels fuzzy and I see myself not catching things I used to be able to get with significantly less effort. It is such an odd feeling to notice that I don't have the thinky thinky firing the way it used to. Gratefully, it amuses more than frustrates me. I think this is largely because I've seen the severity ebb and flow a little bit based on how well I'm doing with sleep, healthy food, exercise, and etc., so I know that when I'm feeling more foggy I know it can pass and I'll be closer to normal (for me) some time again in the future.

Anywhoozle, I am working to do more things that will increase my brain activity to combat that side effect a bit more. Team, did you know that activities which increase the firing of neurons are basically all fun?! Coloring, listening to music, playing an instrument, writing, socalizing, building projects, exercising... it's great! I've only been working on incorporating these mentally stimulating activities more deliberately for a couple days. I've already noticed that the biggest reason I wasn't doing a lot of these things, which I genuinely find enjoyable anyhow, was due to feeling tired. Ye old energy levels be real, man. But taking one step forward, past the sensation of buzzy brain/I'm-too-worn-out has been rewarding. I don't hit it hard, either. For example, tonight, instead of laying on the couch until bedtime, I sat on it, colored for about 20 minutes, and then wrote this. And a bit of the fug lifted. :)

Not a positive one

How does one deal with the fact that it is one's family that makes them sad? Almost unerringly recently, it is family that has made me stressed or worried or hurting or grieving. Is this normal? I thought things got better as you aged. I feel used, ignored, taken for granted, and isolated. It doesn't help that literally every time I've had a call from my Mom in the last two months they've been butt dials where I hear her playing with my neices and nephews. I feel abandoned. Why did everyone move away? I don't know how to ask for what I need. I feel confused about what that is and frustrated because it seems as though the times I've asked for the parts of what I need that I've been able to figure there were a LOT of empty talk and flattering words and nothing. I feel resentful of reaching out and jealous of the family members who are always in touch with each other. What's that all about? And am I just reliving the stupid, stinking unhealthy patterns of the previous generations? I feel angry at the thought because I've worked so hard. I want to visit and I dread visiting. I'm angry that other problems between family members make me feel like it's not appropriate to ask for what I need, and teeth-clenchingly furious that it doesn't feel like it would be responded to anyhow. Trapped and vicious, like a cornered animal. That's how I feel. Funny how the image for the one situation that no longer pains me was shoved up against the wall and cowering, and for what's happening now I'm still stuffed in that dinky corner but this time I'm snarling and slashing in a futile effort to get free.

Things that make me think of my Dad

Egyptian Hieroglyphics
Acoustic bass
Puns
If You Could Hie to Kolob
the Beaver Pond
Archaeology/Mummies

The thing about being at peace with someone's death is that unexpectedly, the simplest things call them strongly forth in your memory--for instance, tonight, a necktie--and you are still left missing them. Sometimes the missing is sweet and nostalgic and other times it's a sucker punch of sad in the ribs.

Thank Goodness for Jury Duty

Not something very commonly said, but I'm sincere. Because of jury duty, I was able to sleep in two hours, have a leisurely morning shower, and see the gorgeous snow-capped mountains out the courthouse windows. The trial was postponed, so not only did I get paid to read for a while, I also had the chance to take care of a few errands and listen to my happy music (see: aucostic covers, ex: Boyce Avenue) while driving on sparsely driven roads in the sunshine, belly full of peanut butter topped oatmeal. Thank goodness for jury duty indeed!

I haven't felt like this in a while

Depression is so annoying because it ebbs and flows. There is no "normal," there are just days where I feel better or worse.

I haven't felt this particular kind of worse in a long, long time. It's the kind where I would like to sleep, not just a bit extra to ease the ache of feeling, but the kind of sleeping which has the express purpose of letting as much time as possible pass without having to be concious of it; grimly fighting my way back to unconsciousness when I surface in late afternoon, eyes squinched shut to block out the world, scrabbling for the illogical vaugarities of dreamland. It's the kind where I truly consider up and moving to a place I've never been just so I don't have to face the people and situations that have made me feel so worn and defeated. I get scared when I feel fight leaving me, for I am a fighter, so to lose the will to keep trying makes me feel like I've lost myself.

I've been a wreck recently. Last week in church I pretty much cried through everything, tears quietly dripping off my cheeks. It's just today that I'm seeing/admitting that there is more to my present state than bronchitis and exhaustion from a battling immune system. The larger portion of the pie is mental illness, damn it.

And I'm actually doing better this evening than I did this afternoon. Thank goodness for cats! A measure of content stole over me as my friend's kitten rested on my clavicle tonight, sleepily arching its limbs and letting me stroke its tiny, soft paw pads. And laying down yesterday while talking girl talk, serious and calm, helped too. There are still moments of grace in the inferno which keep my heart beating. They cause me to remember that the clouds have always passed before and are sure to do so again.

I think often of the Brother of Jared and my mission president stating that when he watched the Lord touch and infuse light into the 16 small stones, it was also a symbol of us being able to see Christ touching those we love and pouring light into their lives. He said that often we are converted by seeing Father act in other lives than our own. This is giving me hope right now. I'm in no place to see the miracles He is giving me--I'm honest enough to know that is just not my headspace right now--but I see good happening for others and am doing my best to trust that maybe looking back I'll see His kindness towards me.

January's Been a Wash

Between grieving, getting sick, and recieving a third denial letter for the fertility meds we need from our insurance company, January has been a wash. I'm ready for a fresh leaf, which I was hoping 2019 would bring. I may have cried at no less than two fertility clinic employees, a voicemail there, and my TV screen once I hung up today. Ain't nobody got time for this crap!

I'm ready for February.

Addendum

One more thing I forgot to add to my earlier post--I am so grateful for the people who have taken the time to tell me what I mean to them, and the goodness they see in me that I do not always excel at seeing in myself. It mas made an enormous, immeasurable difference in my ability to peek through the clouds and see mountains that I can touch,after all. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I need these words, and I will try to give them more often as another show of my gratitude for those who have gifted them to me.

And now to cleaning and eating and working to take better care of myself.

Much love,


Kira

New Post

Hello fellow travelers! It's been a while.

Decisively, my friend died at the end of 2018, and I've been working through the cloud that caused. I feel better today than I have in a while, and I know I need to speak, so here I am.

I didn't even realize I was having flashbacks of my Dad's death until I was talking to my therapist about how I felt seeing her children watch the casket close over her face and I started weeping, telling her about it. The same moment from my own childhood--the stolid click of a wooden box encasing my parent for the rest of my life--rose up forcefully, and my therapist named the sensation of layers of grief I'd been feeling, sticky upon my heart. Flashback. Flashback with fresh grief syruped over it for not just my own loss of my friend, but also the years I saw stretching ahead of her children, motherless and raging against the injustice of it. I pray for them. Somehow, I made it through with some measure of gracefulness amid the breakdowns. Maybe they too will grow into people who are proud of who they made themselves, despite life's uncaring blows.

I've been annoyed with the process of grief this time. I'm so frustrated at not being able to Check!, have it done. This waiting and trying not to judge myself for the anger and the sluggishness and all the other circles of the stages, it is not my jam. I had a night of intense, anguished tears at not being able to hug her again or give her the Christmas present I'd bought for her, then a few days of sadness, followed by a day of anger, and I was so excited when I woke up after that feeling calm--I'm done, I'm done, I'm done! False. This ride takes a while. I've been circling around and doing my best to give myself room. I've been trying to name it and talk to people about it instead of brushing it aside, as is my wont.

It kind of feels like all the people I know are in crisis. My best friend from work and my siblings with their own lives and my neighbors and more people that I have the ability to enumerate right now. It was overwhelming to me at first, until I realized I needed to ask for help. Help to handle my own emotions and to have strength to love others as they experience their own pain. I'm so grateful for the wisdom of experience that's guided me this time, and given me the opportunity and insight to try another approach. That quote from President Eyring, I think? The one about treating everyone you meet like they are struggling with something, and you'll be right 50% of the time? Not anymore. I'd say it's like 90% of the time. Be kind.

A great blessing was that my sister was actually in state last week and I was able to spend time with her. It struck me how odd it must be for a little sister to support an older sister. She didn't really understand why I wanted to cuddle so much and kept asking me to scratch her back, haha. Used to being ministered to instead of being the minister. Just being near her helped, though. I've missed my family more than I expected to when they moved. I'm so grateful that there is so much healing for me in their mere presences. I'm grateful that we've all grown and there is more love than judgement to be found now. They are a balm to my soul.

My darling husband! I slept super late yesterday and when I got up he'd cleaned and made food. I asked him if I maybe let him indulge me too much, and he said that while he used to think that maybe he did, he didn't anymore. I asked him what changed and he said he'd actually seen me shaking from tiredness more than once in the last little while and realized I was truly giving what I had to give, and maybe a little more than that. He encouraged me to sleep in today well past when he used to be able to handle me doing. I struggle with energy anyhow, what with a bum thyroid, but throw grief and depression on top of that and forgeddaboutit! His approach recently has helped me to feel more capable. I'm so grateful for you, Jay. Words are not enough. We aren't perfect, but we are perfect for each other.

He's been good at seeing what I need with more clarity than I have, I think. Yesterday we had S over and made nachos for dinner. We invited E down, too, and we all just talked a while until E had to go upstairs. Then to the video games to play Trine 3.  Video games are not something I normally spend time on, but somehow it was perfect last night. We had a short interruption while we went out and saw the super blood wolf moon lunar eclipse it all its glory, Jay's telescope trustily pulling the moon down for our eyes to see. I marveled at the beauty we exist in and that I've now seen both a full solar and a full lunar eclipse--how many people through the centuries can say that? Then we went back inside and accidentally crushed each other with magic boxes, slipped off the sides of buildings into lava, and pulled cheap moves so we could be the ones to collect the shinies instead of the other people on our team, laughing till our sides hurt until we reached the final boss, which we approached far too confidently the first time, then sat up straighter and moved closer to the screen, determined to win. The quiet increased; concentration intensified as we felt out our roles and finally finally FINALLY wrested the shard of the Artifact of Soul from the dragon to beat the game! Then cheers and more laughter and hugs and good night. And somehow, that helped heal me.

I am grateful for life. I am grateful for the people in my life. Amen.

-Kira