It is so bad that I have actually skipped going to parties and events for this reason: I couldn't get a ride with someone. I knew that if I tried to drive myself, I would end up lost somewhere, screaming in frustration that I, once again, was unable to navigate the simple grid system that predominates in Utah. If you know how logical the grid system is, you are probably flabbergasted right now, wondering if I am serious. If you know me and have seen how quickly I pick up pretty much anything else, I'm sure you're shocked. I assure you--it's embarrassing, and 100% true. It's not uncommon for me to turn around two to three times traveling to a place I've been to more than 30 times. If it's a route I don't take everyday, well, I'll find it. Eventually.
Usually.
My family knows this about me. I call my Mom and my Stepdad and brothers and sister-in-law and sisters for directions often. Not everyday, because, well, I've lived in the same town about 12 years, and I have learned enough routes well enough that I can now piece bits of them together when I have to find a new place, and that works pretty well. So the calls have gotten to be about two weeks apart, maybe.
This morning I was headed to a special meeting for my church held in a different venue than our regular meetings. It's a place that I've been to, oh, at least 50 times in my life. I've been to places NEAR it within the past two weeks. And yet...I had to call my Mom. She explained what roads I needed to take, but left out one detail about a turn. Luckily, I knew the area well enough to be able to tell that I should have hit the landmark I was looking for. I called and and told her that I knew something was off. She started to repeat the directions she'd given me previously, but as she did, I realized that her repetition would only further confuse me, so I stopped her and said this, "Wait. Can I ask for some clarifiers so we use our time effectively?"
There. That's when it hit me--when I said those words.
Maybe it's because I was headed to church, and maybe it's because I've been thinking about decisions lately. Probably both. But when I said that, I made a powerful, simple connection.
This is what prayer is for. I'm headed in a direction; I have a goal. I know what I want to accomplish. So I ask if that's a way to He'd like me to head, and I feel good about it, and I get myself going. And I'm moving along, goal in my sights, when I hit something that just doesn't seem right; doesn't seem to fit. And sometimes, instead of just asking a clarifying question, my response is to overreact some. To decide that I must not have felt the Lord communicate His approval of that objective. And I get confused and think that I should pull out and give up and quit. In simpler words, I doubt myself, and I also doubt Him.
What if, instead, I 'called back,' like I had to do with my Mom this morning? What if I simply said to Him, "Wait. This isn't what I was expecting. Is this still the right direction for me to head in?" Or, "I don't understand this part, what should I do?" How 'bout, "This is harder than I thought. Wilt Thou reassure me that this is right, if this is still Thy desire for me?"
There are endless variations of that prayer, but really, what if the better thing to do is trust a little more and seek clarification before deciding that this bump means I heard Him wrong? Because let's be honest, He's not missing any details, unlike my Mom's directions today. He sees it all, and knows the end from the beginning. He has a plan, even for me, and that plan is motivated by His love for me as His child. Everything He asks me to do, He asks out of a desire to help me grow and reach my potential. Growth certainly doesn't happen in a vacuum; there must be challenge. And sometimes, part of the challenge is simply turning to Him instead of turning away once we've begun to pursue a worthy desire.
So note to self: Next time, kneel down instead of giving up.
