Not a positive one

How does one deal with the fact that it is one's family that makes them sad? Almost unerringly recently, it is family that has made me stressed or worried or hurting or grieving. Is this normal? I thought things got better as you aged. I feel used, ignored, taken for granted, and isolated. It doesn't help that literally every time I've had a call from my Mom in the last two months they've been butt dials where I hear her playing with my neices and nephews. I feel abandoned. Why did everyone move away? I don't know how to ask for what I need. I feel confused about what that is and frustrated because it seems as though the times I've asked for the parts of what I need that I've been able to figure there were a LOT of empty talk and flattering words and nothing. I feel resentful of reaching out and jealous of the family members who are always in touch with each other. What's that all about? And am I just reliving the stupid, stinking unhealthy patterns of the previous generations? I feel angry at the thought because I've worked so hard. I want to visit and I dread visiting. I'm angry that other problems between family members make me feel like it's not appropriate to ask for what I need, and teeth-clenchingly furious that it doesn't feel like it would be responded to anyhow. Trapped and vicious, like a cornered animal. That's how I feel. Funny how the image for the one situation that no longer pains me was shoved up against the wall and cowering, and for what's happening now I'm still stuffed in that dinky corner but this time I'm snarling and slashing in a futile effort to get free.

Things that make me think of my Dad

Egyptian Hieroglyphics
Acoustic bass
Puns
If You Could Hie to Kolob
the Beaver Pond
Archaeology/Mummies

The thing about being at peace with someone's death is that unexpectedly, the simplest things call them strongly forth in your memory--for instance, tonight, a necktie--and you are still left missing them. Sometimes the missing is sweet and nostalgic and other times it's a sucker punch of sad in the ribs.

Thank Goodness for Jury Duty

Not something very commonly said, but I'm sincere. Because of jury duty, I was able to sleep in two hours, have a leisurely morning shower, and see the gorgeous snow-capped mountains out the courthouse windows. The trial was postponed, so not only did I get paid to read for a while, I also had the chance to take care of a few errands and listen to my happy music (see: aucostic covers, ex: Boyce Avenue) while driving on sparsely driven roads in the sunshine, belly full of peanut butter topped oatmeal. Thank goodness for jury duty indeed!