"Imagine yourself a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps you understand what he is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you know those jobs need doing, so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of; throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage, but He is building a palace." -C. S. Lewis
Tonight I am grateful for Suzie. She helped me remember, in the way I understand best, that a partially-built palace is still a structure overflowing with beauty.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
Holes
I should be asleep, but I wanted to look something up in my journal, and ran across a poem I wrote last year. It was a quick write, but I like it enough that I want to share it. It's from an entry dated 11 February, 2013; Monday.
Holes
In the movies
grief has straight hair
with bangs over the eyes
And a dark dress
that's still flattering.
What about pajamas
with the covers over the head
and the knotty hair
over the hole
where the ache steady-thrums?
Days stack like potato chips--
Once you pop you can't stop!
This is faith:
The tired feet
go off the edge
on the floor
and out the door.
I have learned--
Light can heal these holes.
"Some days, just breathing is a testimony." -David Elliott
Holes
In the movies
grief has straight hair
with bangs over the eyes
And a dark dress
that's still flattering.
What about pajamas
with the covers over the head
and the knotty hair
over the hole
where the ache steady-thrums?
Days stack like potato chips--
Once you pop you can't stop!
This is faith:
The tired feet
go off the edge
on the floor
and out the door.
I have learned--
Light can heal these holes.
"Some days, just breathing is a testimony." -David Elliott
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Moments Stitching Together the Sunrise
You know the magic of a perfect moment? When you just don't want what's happening to end, because it exactly matches the way you're feeling?
That happened tonight.
Those moments keep me believing.
That happened tonight.
Those moments keep me believing.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
A Different Story
One of my facebook friends posted a suicide threat as his status a few days ago. I've been thinking about it.
A lot of people pled for him to seek help and to find a different way to deal with his pain. (So did I.) As I was looking at his responses to those pleas, though, I noticed that he kept repeating that he is unwanted, a horrible person, etc. As evidence that he is not wanted, he shared that his biological father had even tried to kill him while he was in the womb.
Here's what I've come to: That is, yes, a part of his story. The event occurred. There is, sadly, no denying it. But why has he chosen that part of his story to define himself by? What about the rest of his story? He's in his early twenties, so there have certainly been more events to build his self-understanding around.
I know his life hasn't been easy by any stretch of the word. He has faced challenge after challenge after heart-wrenching challenge, and I completely sympathize with that. I've had my share. My pain has been intense and overwhelming enough to create suicidal thoughts, too. I didn't realize that's what was happening until later, but it happened. I am somewhat familiar with the state of mind and condition of heart it takes to get to that point. It's an enveloping black pit with no sign of stars. At times, I've simply had to trust that others could see those stars, and that one day, I would be able to too. And I've learned that it's true: there is more to see.
For this friend of mine, what about those lights he seems to have forgotten? The part of his story where he was wanted enough to be adopted? Or the part where there are people actively reaching out to him, right now, asking him to stay and stick it through? It's been years since I've seen him. We had lost touch, so I have no further examples to give for him specifically, and I don't know much about the circumstances of his life right now, beyond his stated reason for wanting to commit suicide. However, I do want to say that as I have progressed on my journey, I have learned that there is a different story.
It's been my observation that we pick and choose what we use to define ourselves. We often ignore the inconvenient details that undermine, or even disprove, the self-view we've chosen. Mental illness makes it VERY difficult to see clearly. We simply cannot will ourselves into understanding the world and ourselves in a new way. Rather, it's a matter of healing enough to be able to. Of letting ourselves trust more objective eyes, of seeking help at any and all times it's needed, of accepting help and love when they're offered. It's discovering that just maybe, the way we understand ourselves is unclear, and that can actually be wonderful--finding alternate realities which exist, and are even valid.
So. What about your story, the one you tell yourself is real? Are you overlooking some details that round it out and make it more authentic? Does adding those true details lessen the pain? Is there a wider lens which catches the glimmer of the stars? I pray that you will be shown a version of your story that does; one that holds more than you've written for yourself. I pray that my friend will be enabled to see a more complete view and let it help heal him. I pray that he will hold on.
A lot of people pled for him to seek help and to find a different way to deal with his pain. (So did I.) As I was looking at his responses to those pleas, though, I noticed that he kept repeating that he is unwanted, a horrible person, etc. As evidence that he is not wanted, he shared that his biological father had even tried to kill him while he was in the womb.
Here's what I've come to: That is, yes, a part of his story. The event occurred. There is, sadly, no denying it. But why has he chosen that part of his story to define himself by? What about the rest of his story? He's in his early twenties, so there have certainly been more events to build his self-understanding around.
I know his life hasn't been easy by any stretch of the word. He has faced challenge after challenge after heart-wrenching challenge, and I completely sympathize with that. I've had my share. My pain has been intense and overwhelming enough to create suicidal thoughts, too. I didn't realize that's what was happening until later, but it happened. I am somewhat familiar with the state of mind and condition of heart it takes to get to that point. It's an enveloping black pit with no sign of stars. At times, I've simply had to trust that others could see those stars, and that one day, I would be able to too. And I've learned that it's true: there is more to see.
For this friend of mine, what about those lights he seems to have forgotten? The part of his story where he was wanted enough to be adopted? Or the part where there are people actively reaching out to him, right now, asking him to stay and stick it through? It's been years since I've seen him. We had lost touch, so I have no further examples to give for him specifically, and I don't know much about the circumstances of his life right now, beyond his stated reason for wanting to commit suicide. However, I do want to say that as I have progressed on my journey, I have learned that there is a different story.
It's been my observation that we pick and choose what we use to define ourselves. We often ignore the inconvenient details that undermine, or even disprove, the self-view we've chosen. Mental illness makes it VERY difficult to see clearly. We simply cannot will ourselves into understanding the world and ourselves in a new way. Rather, it's a matter of healing enough to be able to. Of letting ourselves trust more objective eyes, of seeking help at any and all times it's needed, of accepting help and love when they're offered. It's discovering that just maybe, the way we understand ourselves is unclear, and that can actually be wonderful--finding alternate realities which exist, and are even valid.
So. What about your story, the one you tell yourself is real? Are you overlooking some details that round it out and make it more authentic? Does adding those true details lessen the pain? Is there a wider lens which catches the glimmer of the stars? I pray that you will be shown a version of your story that does; one that holds more than you've written for yourself. I pray that my friend will be enabled to see a more complete view and let it help heal him. I pray that he will hold on.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Revisiting 'Trust'
A few days ago I wrote and published a post entitled "Trust." I've kept thinking about it, and there are a few more things I want to say on the subject.
In that post, I talked about how I build trust in other human beings. Since then, I've been thinking about how I built trust in God, our Heavenly Father. I think the principles involved are the same, actually. I've thought about my personal journey of coming to trust Him. I know that my trust in Him is imperfect. I falter. I forget. That's true.
It is also true that He is trustworthy. I've learned this through my own experiences, "proving [Him] now herewith," or, in other words, trying out the commandments He has given, testing them to see whether the promises He has made in connection with them are fulfilled in my life. This is the exact same process of giving another person a chance to show up, forgive, listen, or etc., that I described in my previous post. When I live or keep a commandment, I'm giving God a chance to Show Up; to come through for me. I'm turning to Him to see if He'll make good on His promises--be they promises to forgive, heal, help, provide, or guide. I'm testing Him out. And I am not speaking in hyperbole here: ALL the times I've tested Him, He has Shown Up.
One of the hard things about trusting the Lord, though, is that sometimes the way He "shows up" is different than the picture I had in my head of what that would look like. He shows up, but not always in the way I would have liked. Or in the time I'd have liked. Or even with the answer I would have liked. He is more loyal than that. His love is such that He will tell me 'no' when something is wrong or will hurt me. His love is such that if I need to learn something over a period of time rather than quickly, or to face the consequences of my actions, or to feel and overcome disappointment, heartache, or loss, He lets me. He is not interested in giving me a free ride, but a growing one. His investment in me is about me reaching my divine potential, not in having things easy, and this sometimes means He allows the trials to come. He's willing to say the hard-to-hear truth. He does what will be kindest in the eternal scheme of things, and not the mortal one I am used to thinking within. His ways are not my ways. They're higher.
But. But, but, but. He will be with us in all things. He IS with us in all things--in the heartbreak, the loss, and the disappointment. In the struggles and challenges that seem over our heads. I absolutely trust Him to be there with me in the thick of things. That is what I count on. Even when I've felt disconnected from Him, when I've been murderously furious with Him, when I wanted nothing to do with Him, He was there. He sent people into my life to speak when I wouldn't, or couldn't, listen to Him. He reached out, over and over, unfailingly.
That, more than anything, is the source of my trust in Him. Experience has built on experience. After years of watching Him reach out, somewhere it finally dawned on me--I trust Him. I don't trust Him perfectly, because, again, I am not there yet, but I do trust Him. I know He's not going to give up on me. So I do my best to not give up on Him, either, and to keep giving Him chances to "show up" in my life.
Even though it took me years to see it, this is is what I learned: He always does.
"...nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep...
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever...." -2 Nephi 4: 19-20, 34; The Book of Mormon
In that post, I talked about how I build trust in other human beings. Since then, I've been thinking about how I built trust in God, our Heavenly Father. I think the principles involved are the same, actually. I've thought about my personal journey of coming to trust Him. I know that my trust in Him is imperfect. I falter. I forget. That's true.
It is also true that He is trustworthy. I've learned this through my own experiences, "proving [Him] now herewith," or, in other words, trying out the commandments He has given, testing them to see whether the promises He has made in connection with them are fulfilled in my life. This is the exact same process of giving another person a chance to show up, forgive, listen, or etc., that I described in my previous post. When I live or keep a commandment, I'm giving God a chance to Show Up; to come through for me. I'm turning to Him to see if He'll make good on His promises--be they promises to forgive, heal, help, provide, or guide. I'm testing Him out. And I am not speaking in hyperbole here: ALL the times I've tested Him, He has Shown Up.
One of the hard things about trusting the Lord, though, is that sometimes the way He "shows up" is different than the picture I had in my head of what that would look like. He shows up, but not always in the way I would have liked. Or in the time I'd have liked. Or even with the answer I would have liked. He is more loyal than that. His love is such that He will tell me 'no' when something is wrong or will hurt me. His love is such that if I need to learn something over a period of time rather than quickly, or to face the consequences of my actions, or to feel and overcome disappointment, heartache, or loss, He lets me. He is not interested in giving me a free ride, but a growing one. His investment in me is about me reaching my divine potential, not in having things easy, and this sometimes means He allows the trials to come. He's willing to say the hard-to-hear truth. He does what will be kindest in the eternal scheme of things, and not the mortal one I am used to thinking within. His ways are not my ways. They're higher.
But. But, but, but. He will be with us in all things. He IS with us in all things--in the heartbreak, the loss, and the disappointment. In the struggles and challenges that seem over our heads. I absolutely trust Him to be there with me in the thick of things. That is what I count on. Even when I've felt disconnected from Him, when I've been murderously furious with Him, when I wanted nothing to do with Him, He was there. He sent people into my life to speak when I wouldn't, or couldn't, listen to Him. He reached out, over and over, unfailingly.
That, more than anything, is the source of my trust in Him. Experience has built on experience. After years of watching Him reach out, somewhere it finally dawned on me--I trust Him. I don't trust Him perfectly, because, again, I am not there yet, but I do trust Him. I know He's not going to give up on me. So I do my best to not give up on Him, either, and to keep giving Him chances to "show up" in my life.
Even though it took me years to see it, this is is what I learned: He always does.
"...nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep...
O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever...." -2 Nephi 4: 19-20, 34; The Book of Mormon
Friday, June 13, 2014
Rant (TL; DR)
Here's a secret from my life: Although I LOVE swimming, I have not owned a swimsuit of my own for years, and I go swimming only once or twice a summer. In my Mom's suit. With a girlfriend or two.
Well, I'm going to be at the ocean later this summer--literally living ten minutes away--so the time has arrived to bite the bullet, stop borrowing my Mom's swimsuit, and become the proud owner of a suit or two myself. Hopefully cute ones that I'd feel comfortable with, ones that would give me confidence, right?
Well, let's look at the available styles of swim suit. How many are actually designed to make the women feel comfortable?? Looking at ads recently, all I see is a bunch of women sticking either chests or bums out, like the purpose of the beach is to get hit on as many times as possible. Weirdly, not my goal. I know, I know, you'd think girls live for conquests, but let me tell you, this one doesn't. I happen to want one relationship with one guy, instead of a myriad with as many as possible, where the first (and possibly only) thing on the mind of those men is how I look in a bathing suit--or you know, out of one. Or even how quickly they can get me out of one. (Hint: On the honeymoon. So good luck brother, your odds approach zero.) Call me crazy.
I know sexuality can't be ignored. I'm not blaming men for having drives. I don't blame myself for having one, a very healthy one, thank you very much. I'm not trying to ignore this part of human nature. I'm just trying to find something that is not provocative. I'm so enormously frustrated that I am having a hard time finding a swim suit that I can feel comfortable in. Just because I have a certain shape, shall we say, doesn't mean I want that kind of attention from everyone who sees me. I simply want to feel peaceful while wearing this item of clothing. And finding a suit that supports the way I choose to present my body--which I did approach with optimism at the start--is making me so frustrated I could scream. The only suits I have been able to find that actually support and fit me are ones that show a ton more than I want to show. Apparently being fully covered is only for smaller girls?
I tried on ALL the swimsuits that were my size in a store of my choosing. All of them, even the ones with patterns so ugly I squinted while trying them one, just to give the fit a chance. Results: Not enough support. Enough support, but too loose on the waistband to actually stay on me in the water. (Did I mention I'm going to swim, not just sunbathe?) Too little support. Fits on the waist, but way too small elsewhere. Too small elsewhere, fits on the waist. Nowhere near enough support. On and on, one pieces and tankinis; it was the same story over and over. Well, that was a good use of an hour or two.
Online! Online I can custom-select my size. So I combed through a site, and picked specifically the most covering styles I could find in my size. And they shipped to me, and I tried them on, and guess what? The tankini top is a joke if you're looking for coverage. Apparently smaller models don't give an accurate idea of how things will look on me. Joy.
The best (read: ironic and stupid) part? I did buy a bikini top, and it covers me more. Not as much as I want, but more than the tankini. Well, excellent, because I happen to know of an newly-launched invention that you can add to a bikini top to transform it into a tankini. Let me send off for that.
It came today, and guess what? My compromise doesn't even fit me. The straps that you feed the bikini waistband through are too small for the strap of this bikini's waistband. I could go the next size up on the invention, but...it will almost definitely be too big on the waist. And this bikini top was the only one I could even imagine putting on, as the rest either had too little support (which, as I found at the store, was invariably the case for anything with vague sizes like M or L) or too little material.
Options--keep looking. (Save me now! But I will continue to do so.) Screw it all and wear a bikini, wherein I would be uncomfortable the whole time. (And, you know, judged.) Or borrow my Mom's swimsuit.
I might do that, and use a stupid sports bra with it. (Fits at the waist, but not elsewhere...) Because who needs to have a suit that doesn't make them look like a grandma anyhow? Apparently that's my only option if I don't want to hang out for the world to see.
And yeah, it pisses me off.
Well, I'm going to be at the ocean later this summer--literally living ten minutes away--so the time has arrived to bite the bullet, stop borrowing my Mom's swimsuit, and become the proud owner of a suit or two myself. Hopefully cute ones that I'd feel comfortable with, ones that would give me confidence, right?
Well, let's look at the available styles of swim suit. How many are actually designed to make the women feel comfortable?? Looking at ads recently, all I see is a bunch of women sticking either chests or bums out, like the purpose of the beach is to get hit on as many times as possible. Weirdly, not my goal. I know, I know, you'd think girls live for conquests, but let me tell you, this one doesn't. I happen to want one relationship with one guy, instead of a myriad with as many as possible, where the first (and possibly only) thing on the mind of those men is how I look in a bathing suit--or you know, out of one. Or even how quickly they can get me out of one. (Hint: On the honeymoon. So good luck brother, your odds approach zero.) Call me crazy.
I know sexuality can't be ignored. I'm not blaming men for having drives. I don't blame myself for having one, a very healthy one, thank you very much. I'm not trying to ignore this part of human nature. I'm just trying to find something that is not provocative. I'm so enormously frustrated that I am having a hard time finding a swim suit that I can feel comfortable in. Just because I have a certain shape, shall we say, doesn't mean I want that kind of attention from everyone who sees me. I simply want to feel peaceful while wearing this item of clothing. And finding a suit that supports the way I choose to present my body--which I did approach with optimism at the start--is making me so frustrated I could scream. The only suits I have been able to find that actually support and fit me are ones that show a ton more than I want to show. Apparently being fully covered is only for smaller girls?
I tried on ALL the swimsuits that were my size in a store of my choosing. All of them, even the ones with patterns so ugly I squinted while trying them one, just to give the fit a chance. Results: Not enough support. Enough support, but too loose on the waistband to actually stay on me in the water. (Did I mention I'm going to swim, not just sunbathe?) Too little support. Fits on the waist, but way too small elsewhere. Too small elsewhere, fits on the waist. Nowhere near enough support. On and on, one pieces and tankinis; it was the same story over and over. Well, that was a good use of an hour or two.
Online! Online I can custom-select my size. So I combed through a site, and picked specifically the most covering styles I could find in my size. And they shipped to me, and I tried them on, and guess what? The tankini top is a joke if you're looking for coverage. Apparently smaller models don't give an accurate idea of how things will look on me. Joy.
The best (read: ironic and stupid) part? I did buy a bikini top, and it covers me more. Not as much as I want, but more than the tankini. Well, excellent, because I happen to know of an newly-launched invention that you can add to a bikini top to transform it into a tankini. Let me send off for that.
It came today, and guess what? My compromise doesn't even fit me. The straps that you feed the bikini waistband through are too small for the strap of this bikini's waistband. I could go the next size up on the invention, but...it will almost definitely be too big on the waist. And this bikini top was the only one I could even imagine putting on, as the rest either had too little support (which, as I found at the store, was invariably the case for anything with vague sizes like M or L) or too little material.
Options--keep looking. (Save me now! But I will continue to do so.) Screw it all and wear a bikini, wherein I would be uncomfortable the whole time. (And, you know, judged.) Or borrow my Mom's swimsuit.
I might do that, and use a stupid sports bra with it. (Fits at the waist, but not elsewhere...) Because who needs to have a suit that doesn't make them look like a grandma anyhow? Apparently that's my only option if I don't want to hang out for the world to see.
And yeah, it pisses me off.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Wonderful Things
Wonderful Things from this week (so far):
1. Wearing a sundress today. It had pockets. I could play conference talks on my phone while doing laundry AND CARRY IT AROUND IN MY POCKET. (So cool. Apparently I approve of technology today. :))
2. BBQed turkey!
3. Campfire last night
4. How much I liked my hair yesterday. Also liked it today.
5. Hugs from friends
6. Speaking in Church
7. Two of my best friends came to hear me speak in church. (Seriously, so wonderful!)
8. Ward prayer
9. Chilling with my fantastic roommates!
10. Talking to my sister on the phone yesterday
11. The weather
12. Going to bed early tonight. (I'm writing that in prediction of making this choice once I log off, haha.)
13. Sleeping really well.
14. The maintenance man fixed our broken blinds, medicine cabinet, towel rack, and window screen. (Hollah!) Also, we have internet again. Huzzah!
15. The smell of campfire smoke16. Talking to my parents briefly.
17. Matchox match. (Because why not?)
18. Met someone new at FHE.
19. Talking about the stars.
20. Water fight with Corrine.
...and much, much more, but that bed is calling, and tonight, I'm gonna listen. :D Loves! -K.
Trust
I was just listening to a speech given by Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was titled, "I Have Given You an Example," and speaks of the love the Savior Jesus Christ showed to the people around him. It implores us to follow his example and show love to those around us, especially as we seek to help them find and strengthen their faith in Christ. (The full article is available here: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/i-have-given-you-an-example?lang=eng)
Often when I listen to these sort of speeches, a line stands out and rings inside me. There was one in this talk. It was this:
"As a companion to that love, trust them." (emphasis added)
Elder Scott went on to talk about trusting others to make their own decisions and come to faith in the Savior in their own time. But that single line got me thinking.
How much are love and trust tied together? When I think of those I love, there isn't one that I don't trust with something--to be there, to welcome me, to support me, to forgive me, to love me, to accept me, to sacrifice for me, to keep their word, to do their best, to be who they are, to make me laugh, to help me think more deeply; whatever. Always, there is something I have entrusted to them. And maybe this is why letting new people into my life and inner being--those private, deeply flawed parts I guard most jealously--is such a challenge. How do we know whom to trust? How do we discern and decide?
Just like we decide a lot of things. Trial and error, in an automated system that we don't often pay attention to. They are cautious trials, at least for me, but trials nonetheless. I share a little, or make a mistake (the unintentional test!), or ask for help with something small. And if the person I am hoping to trust listens, forgives, shows up, accepts, or otherwise doesn't let me down, eventually they get trusted with something bigger, and then progressively bigger, and on and on, until I trust them in the area(s) that has/have been proven.
I try to make allowance for the fact that they are also imperfect, so it's not a one-test-failed-and-you're-over system, but a process of getting to know another human being and whether they fulfill my needs or not. They aren't necessarily excluded from my life if I find they don't, they simply aren't trusted in the area where they can't meet the need. I turn to someone else who can meet that need instead.
It almost sounds harsh to me, framing it in that light. But heaven knows we do this, all of us! And as far as that goes, I surely know that I don't meet all the needs of all the people that would like to trust me. That's ok. As much as I have wonderful strengths, I also have impressive weaknesses. That's where I am. One day, I hope not to be! But for now, that's part of the package deal, :). I strive to keep this in mind for other people, too. I strive to remember that we can all change for the better. That maybe right now they aren't trustworthy with x, y, or z, but one day they could be. That's one reason giving someone the opportunity to become trusted never completely ends. It seems to me that I will still occasionally throw out a little chance to them, just to see if they have changed. Maybe my glass is half-full?
Anyhow. Trust. For me, it's tied to love, and I'm glad I understand that now. I don't know how to open up, in love, to another human being, without it. And honestly, I don't want to. It exists for a reason. It can be built for a reason. It can be lost, broken, removed, recovered, regained, and re-established for a reason. We need it, and I'm grateful for those who have been patient with me as I learned to trust them, amen!
Often when I listen to these sort of speeches, a line stands out and rings inside me. There was one in this talk. It was this:
"As a companion to that love, trust them." (emphasis added)
Elder Scott went on to talk about trusting others to make their own decisions and come to faith in the Savior in their own time. But that single line got me thinking.
How much are love and trust tied together? When I think of those I love, there isn't one that I don't trust with something--to be there, to welcome me, to support me, to forgive me, to love me, to accept me, to sacrifice for me, to keep their word, to do their best, to be who they are, to make me laugh, to help me think more deeply; whatever. Always, there is something I have entrusted to them. And maybe this is why letting new people into my life and inner being--those private, deeply flawed parts I guard most jealously--is such a challenge. How do we know whom to trust? How do we discern and decide?
Just like we decide a lot of things. Trial and error, in an automated system that we don't often pay attention to. They are cautious trials, at least for me, but trials nonetheless. I share a little, or make a mistake (the unintentional test!), or ask for help with something small. And if the person I am hoping to trust listens, forgives, shows up, accepts, or otherwise doesn't let me down, eventually they get trusted with something bigger, and then progressively bigger, and on and on, until I trust them in the area(s) that has/have been proven.
I try to make allowance for the fact that they are also imperfect, so it's not a one-test-failed-and-you're-over system, but a process of getting to know another human being and whether they fulfill my needs or not. They aren't necessarily excluded from my life if I find they don't, they simply aren't trusted in the area where they can't meet the need. I turn to someone else who can meet that need instead.
It almost sounds harsh to me, framing it in that light. But heaven knows we do this, all of us! And as far as that goes, I surely know that I don't meet all the needs of all the people that would like to trust me. That's ok. As much as I have wonderful strengths, I also have impressive weaknesses. That's where I am. One day, I hope not to be! But for now, that's part of the package deal, :). I strive to keep this in mind for other people, too. I strive to remember that we can all change for the better. That maybe right now they aren't trustworthy with x, y, or z, but one day they could be. That's one reason giving someone the opportunity to become trusted never completely ends. It seems to me that I will still occasionally throw out a little chance to them, just to see if they have changed. Maybe my glass is half-full?
Anyhow. Trust. For me, it's tied to love, and I'm glad I understand that now. I don't know how to open up, in love, to another human being, without it. And honestly, I don't want to. It exists for a reason. It can be built for a reason. It can be lost, broken, removed, recovered, regained, and re-established for a reason. We need it, and I'm grateful for those who have been patient with me as I learned to trust them, amen!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Untitled
I was just thinking tonight about the hard things I've had to learn. Not the super, gut-wrenching, life-altering hard lessons, but the situations I didn't know I was uncomfortable in that took courage to stand and stare into the face of.
I've grown a lot, and I am grateful; amen.
I've grown a lot, and I am grateful; amen.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Making a Difference
Today I was blessed with a reassurance that I didn't even know I needed. Two things happened which enabled this assurance to penetrate my heart and bring peace to my soul.
First, someone in church shared that they had come home from their mission early due to health problems. I did too, and felt that I should talk to her after the class was over and just let her know that I could sympathize with how hard that can be. Turns out she is dealing with the same health problems that caused me to come home, and I was able to share my thoughts with her, both about coming home and how to approach her treatment options. (Those feisty thyroids, I tell ya what!) She seemed to appreciate it.
Then, I ended up talking with another friend and said something I've learned recently that's helped my perspective become healthier. This is what I shared:
I used to think that I consistently fell short and Heavenly Father was somehow disappointed in me, like He was standing by to point out my flaws and reprimand me. But I've realized I was wrong. Teaching this year, I saw a few kids who wanted to earn high (or perfect) scores on their assignments become super upset when they missed one, or two, or three, or ten, questions. Some would cry, some would argue with me, some would stop trying for the rest of the class period. And as the teacher, I was thinking, "It's ok that you made mistakes! You're in school to learn, and you're not going to get everything right all the time. I am SO proud of you for your efforts! Look at what you did do well at, and give yourself some credit for it! Allow yourself some room for learning. Forgive yourself, and we'll try again. I'm here to help you become more successful, and now we know what areas to pin-point so you can work towards that." As this happened throughout the school year, I began to connect that Heavenly Father probably has more of that sort of perspective regarding us, His children. He's probably much more interested in encouraging us to grow than in hitting us over the head for something that He knows we are already working on overcoming. He's on our side. He wants to cheer for the fact that we try, even if we end up stumbling, falling, or failing along the way. We're here to learn, anyhow.
I didn't know that my friend was struggling with a bit of the perspective I'd had before teaching this year. The ideas I expressed ended up affecting her for the better. Again, my way of approaching an issue ended up helping another human being.
So what exactly was I reassured of today? This: That I have something unique, needed, and powerful to offer. There are people who need what I have been through, what I have learned, and how I see things. I make a difference. It may be in unexpected ways, and it may not shake the earth, but my contribution to the world and the people around me matters. And this is my message for you, tonight:
So does yours.
We need each other. We can help one another. And with His guiding hand, we will.
Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
First, someone in church shared that they had come home from their mission early due to health problems. I did too, and felt that I should talk to her after the class was over and just let her know that I could sympathize with how hard that can be. Turns out she is dealing with the same health problems that caused me to come home, and I was able to share my thoughts with her, both about coming home and how to approach her treatment options. (Those feisty thyroids, I tell ya what!) She seemed to appreciate it.
Then, I ended up talking with another friend and said something I've learned recently that's helped my perspective become healthier. This is what I shared:
I used to think that I consistently fell short and Heavenly Father was somehow disappointed in me, like He was standing by to point out my flaws and reprimand me. But I've realized I was wrong. Teaching this year, I saw a few kids who wanted to earn high (or perfect) scores on their assignments become super upset when they missed one, or two, or three, or ten, questions. Some would cry, some would argue with me, some would stop trying for the rest of the class period. And as the teacher, I was thinking, "It's ok that you made mistakes! You're in school to learn, and you're not going to get everything right all the time. I am SO proud of you for your efforts! Look at what you did do well at, and give yourself some credit for it! Allow yourself some room for learning. Forgive yourself, and we'll try again. I'm here to help you become more successful, and now we know what areas to pin-point so you can work towards that." As this happened throughout the school year, I began to connect that Heavenly Father probably has more of that sort of perspective regarding us, His children. He's probably much more interested in encouraging us to grow than in hitting us over the head for something that He knows we are already working on overcoming. He's on our side. He wants to cheer for the fact that we try, even if we end up stumbling, falling, or failing along the way. We're here to learn, anyhow.
I didn't know that my friend was struggling with a bit of the perspective I'd had before teaching this year. The ideas I expressed ended up affecting her for the better. Again, my way of approaching an issue ended up helping another human being.
So what exactly was I reassured of today? This: That I have something unique, needed, and powerful to offer. There are people who need what I have been through, what I have learned, and how I see things. I make a difference. It may be in unexpected ways, and it may not shake the earth, but my contribution to the world and the people around me matters. And this is my message for you, tonight:
So does yours.
We need each other. We can help one another. And with His guiding hand, we will.
Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson from A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
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