Hello fellow travelers! It's been a while.
Decisively, my friend died at the end of 2018, and I've been working through the cloud that caused. I feel better today than I have in a while, and I know I need to speak, so here I am.
I didn't even realize I was having flashbacks of my Dad's death until I was talking to my therapist about how I felt seeing her children watch the casket close over her face and I started weeping, telling her about it. The same moment from my own childhood--the stolid click of a wooden box encasing my parent for the rest of my life--rose up forcefully, and my therapist named the sensation of layers of grief I'd been feeling, sticky upon my heart. Flashback. Flashback with fresh grief syruped over it for not just my own loss of my friend, but also the years I saw stretching ahead of her children, motherless and raging against the injustice of it. I pray for them. Somehow, I made it through with some measure of gracefulness amid the breakdowns. Maybe they too will grow into people who are proud of who they made themselves, despite life's uncaring blows.
I've been annoyed with the process of grief this time. I'm so frustrated at not being able to Check!, have it done. This waiting and trying not to judge myself for the anger and the sluggishness and all the other circles of the stages, it is not my jam. I had a night of intense, anguished tears at not being able to hug her again or give her the Christmas present I'd bought for her, then a few days of sadness, followed by a day of anger, and I was so excited when I woke up after that feeling calm--I'm done, I'm done, I'm done! False. This ride takes a while. I've been circling around and doing my best to give myself room. I've been trying to name it and talk to people about it instead of brushing it aside, as is my wont.
It kind of feels like all the people I know are in crisis. My best friend from work and my siblings with their own lives and my neighbors and more people that I have the ability to enumerate right now. It was overwhelming to me at first, until I realized I needed to ask for help. Help to handle my own emotions and to have strength to love others as they experience their own pain. I'm so grateful for the wisdom of experience that's guided me this time, and given me the opportunity and insight to try another approach. That quote from President Eyring, I think? The one about treating everyone you meet like they are struggling with something, and you'll be right 50% of the time? Not anymore. I'd say it's like 90% of the time. Be kind.
A great blessing was that my sister was actually in state last week and I was able to spend time with her. It struck me how odd it must be for a little sister to support an older sister. She didn't really understand why I wanted to cuddle so much and kept asking me to scratch her back, haha. Used to being ministered to instead of being the minister. Just being near her helped, though. I've missed my family more than I expected to when they moved. I'm so grateful that there is so much healing for me in their mere presences. I'm grateful that we've all grown and there is more love than judgement to be found now. They are a balm to my soul.
My darling husband! I slept super late yesterday and when I got up he'd cleaned and made food. I asked him if I maybe let him indulge me too much, and he said that while he used to think that maybe he did, he didn't anymore. I asked him what changed and he said he'd actually seen me shaking from tiredness more than once in the last little while and realized I was truly giving what I had to give, and maybe a little more than that. He encouraged me to sleep in today well past when he used to be able to handle me doing. I struggle with energy anyhow, what with a bum thyroid, but throw grief and depression on top of that and forgeddaboutit! His approach recently has helped me to feel more capable. I'm so grateful for you, Jay. Words are not enough. We aren't perfect, but we are perfect for each other.
He's been good at seeing what I need with more clarity than I have, I think. Yesterday we had S over and made nachos for dinner. We invited E down, too, and we all just talked a while until E had to go upstairs. Then to the video games to play Trine 3. Video games are not something I normally spend time on, but somehow it was perfect last night. We had a short interruption while we went out and saw the super blood wolf moon lunar eclipse it all its glory, Jay's telescope trustily pulling the moon down for our eyes to see. I marveled at the beauty we exist in and that I've now seen both a full solar and a full lunar eclipse--how many people through the centuries can say that? Then we went back inside and accidentally crushed each other with magic boxes, slipped off the sides of buildings into lava, and pulled cheap moves so we could be the ones to collect the shinies instead of the other people on our team, laughing till our sides hurt until we reached the final boss, which we approached far too confidently the first time, then sat up straighter and moved closer to the screen, determined to win. The quiet increased; concentration intensified as we felt out our roles and finally finally FINALLY wrested the shard of the Artifact of Soul from the dragon to beat the game! Then cheers and more laughter and hugs and good night. And somehow, that helped heal me.
I am grateful for life. I am grateful for the people in my life. Amen.
-Kira
