The fruit of remembering

The memory of my Uncle wailing, unrestrained, at my Grandmother's funeral last fall, just burst across my mind. With it rose the sadness I felt myself and time-softened envy he could openly cry so freely. I was reduced to composed, furtive slashes of a Kleenex toward my leaky eyes and strobe-like flashes of sad to calmly numb and back; an occasional hiccup-swallow thrown in to smooth myself through one of the spikes of pain. Mostly I was happy to be there, among my family, remembering her together. I was surprised with how capable I was of enjoying that time and letting myself feel what I felt with less judgement than I had in previous similar circumstances.

I'm really, really struggling with being so socially isolated due to covid quarantines. I haven't been to work since March 12, nor attended church since March 8. Those are my two main sources of social contact, and yes, I can video call people, and yes that helps, but man! Simply put, it's not the same. And the other thing that's been hard? It ebbs and flows too. Some days I'm so glad to be at home and my introverted tendencies take over enjoying it, and then a few days later it hurts all over again, usually with an increased degree of intensity.

Maybe what I'm struggling with is that while the peaks and valleys of my moods has narrowed in range as I'm matured, they still exist. I have to pay attention to how I'm doing on a given day (or given hour, depending) so I can make sure to partake of feeling good before it passes. Thankfully I've developed patience and strategies to get through when I'm not feeling well, but it's such an unending wave and sometimes just that makes me feel, to some measure, ground down.

Really, I think what is happening on the underlayer of the thoughts and feelings above is that remembering my Uncle, himself beset by disease, unable to do anything but let out the sounds of grief so boldly, brought my own grief back to the forefront of my mind. I miss my Grandma. Things in general aren't horrible right now, but they're hard, and I feel bone tired. I'm gonna eat (just) two pieces of chocolate, lose myself in a book, and try to go to get some sleep tonight. I'm gonna feel and escape and wake up to face tomorrow, however I feel upon its arrival.

Good night.