Actually nervous! I can hardly believe it. I've put down the pen for so long that I'm afraid I won't be anything to say in my own voice with my own words. I never thought I'd feel this, haha!
I've got a lot of things on my mind; mostly people and how hard relationships can be, really. I just don't get people sometimes, and I don't understand very well how to reach out and repair bridges. I also struggle to want to, I think because deep down I don't believe it should take that much effort to maintain a friendship. I'm such an introvert that reaching out when things are fine is hard to begin with, so when I'm not sure of where I stand with someone or if I have no idea to resolve a disagreement...
Instead, I just want to express that I am grateful for my husband. I've been extra-super-mega emotional the last week or so, with at least three different crying jags and he's borne it well. I don't know that these kinds of emotional wrecks would be so rare if I didn't have him. I'm much steadier on the whole than I used to be and I think he's had a lot to do with that. He gently encourages me to take care of myself so I'm better centered and balanced, and still loves me even when I drive him mad with illogical perspectives and hurt feelings that I can't keep inside anymore. I don't deserve him.
I've been thinking for the past few months, maybe a year, about how much more reserved I am than I used to be. I like to feel quiet inside, with all the turmoil I endured as a teen and in my early 20's. Less contact with people = less likelihood of getting shaken up inside, haha. I don't know how much of that is healthy or not--I suspect that it's more unhealthy than not, but I'm not in a place where I feel like changing it. I've got a core little group of people and that's all a need or want right now. I can sense that there is a lot of sadness inside me which motivates this degree of reservation (which is why I think it's more unhealthy than not) but I'm done with guilting myself to push forward and run faster than I have strength. If that means having less contact with the external-to-myself world, then so be it. The way I feel will change at some point again, and I'll seek out socialization when I want to. I already do, on the days it's actually something that interests me, and while those days are pretty spread apart, that's what keeps me from worrying overmuch about sinking into some sort of debilitating depression again.
Mornings. I hate 'em. Not because I wake up exhausted (although I do,) but because I struggle to make myself use them. Jay goes to work at 7:30, so I drive him there, drop him off, then promptly go back to bed until I have to get ready to start my shift at 10:30. I was doing better when my shift was earlier, even when it was just one hour earlier, but since that has changed about a month ago, I've stayed in bed later and later each day. This last week has been the worst. I've left my bed at 10 three times, and I've got to leave by 10:10 in order to be clocked in on time. I've not been late, but that is way too little time to get ready and mentally adjust yourself to deal with people, co-workers and customers alike.
Part of the reason it's been so bad is that I had surgery to remove a small cyst last week and my body is extra worn out working on healing from that. A larger part, though, is that I don't want to get up. Bed and sleep are safe and comforting.
I'm waiting for this depression to pass, and working to allow myself room while it does. Love you!
-K.
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