It started out simple enough: I was watching a chick flick with my roommates shortly before he proposed. I don't remember what movie it was anymore, but I had seen it more than once, a few years before. I remembered the story well and knew what was going to happen--the male lead would be heartbreakingly close to death but make a miraculous recovery, and, in the end, be able to continue life with his sweetheart. The acting was quite good, so the love story was very believable.
I was sitting there, watching it, and we got to the part where the male lead was injured. For some reason, instead of remaining detached and trusting in the happy ending I knew was coming, my mind flashed inward and imagined that Jay was the one injured and close to death--how would that feel? Could I handle not knowing what might happen to him? Would I be able to carry on without him if he didn't make it?
It was a bit of a morbid thought, and just as I was about to dismiss it, it happened: I felt my heart twinge. Intensely. There was an actual physical sensation in my chest of snapping and breaking, just at the idea of Jay going through the level of pain portrayed in the movie. And the thought of him not making it through was... Words have not been invented. I saw my mother make it through my father's death, I know I would make it somehow, but the emotion I felt--there is simply no description that would touch upon it. I'm not going to try.
Suddenly, the movie was no longer a nice story to watch for a good feeling at the end. I was right there with that fictional couple, struggling, yearning; praying for a miracle. It was real, and in the end, when everything turned out alright, my sense of relief was overwhelming. My chest untightened and I started breathing normally again. I'd been holding my breath without knowing it.
I sat there as the credits rolled, and realized something I hadn't suspected: I am different now, as is everything I will ever experience, because of Jay. Different in a good, good way. My heart has opened, not only to him, but to others who love and struggle through the challenges of life. To others, period. He has, by loving me, shown me more than I knew existed in this world. I felt a true and deep connection to the people in the movie, and felt intense compassion for their "losses." I saw that I will feel the same sincere compassion for real people in my life forever forward, because I finally, finally understand. I understand the mystery I'd always thought I'd known. I understand love.
I've loved before, but never like this. Irrevocably, I understand what it is to love another human being. I understand what it is to need him, not for survival, but for joy. He is life, the colors in my sky, breath and sleep and sight. He opens me to drinking in life with my arms wide open, head flung back in soul-drenched joy. They are open because they are no longer mine alone, and neither is this heart which helps me hold them to the sky.
They are his.
And I'm infinitely more than I was on my own.
And I'm infinitely more than I was on my own.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun, but I don't even run from rain
Beating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew
You're the air in my breath, filling up my love-soaked lungs
Such a beautiful mess, intertwined and overrun
Nothing better than this, oh, and then the storm can come
You feel just like the sun
Just like the sun
And if you say
We'll be alright
I'm gonna trust you, babe
I'm gonna look in your eyes
And if you say we're gonna be alright
I'll follow you
Into
The Light."
-"The Light," Sara Bareilles
No comments:
Post a Comment