A Perfect Evening

Instead of going to institute tonight, I'm going to write a blog post. So sue me.

I got sick this weekend--actually called in sick to work on Friday, which is kind of a big deal. I teach in a school, so if I'm willing to find me a sub and write out lesson plans (which is always a hassle!) I'm sick-fo-realz. I felt a little better on Saturday, and did all my Saturday things--second job, errands, time with friends, etc. Pushed a little too hard, and woke up Sunday with an ear infection. Blimey! Third one of my life, and geez, I had no remembrance that they could hurt so badly. I actually went to urgent care, which is, again, a big deal for me.

Been feelin' down--a breakup, moving to a new city; just a bit disconnected on most fronts, actually. But I went to my hometown on Saturday, and I just want to share a snippet of what happened, and the profound gratitude I felt. Even if doing what I did made me sicker the next day, being in the cold air, it was worth it. I needed those moments. They gave courage to my heart, and lifted me out of the fog I'd been feeling internally.

It was actually pretty simple. I went to my friend Devin's. There were a few other friends that came over, and we all ended up going to the park across from his house and tossing a frisbee just as twilight was coming on. It was a glow-in-the-dark lighted one, and as the sun set, I felt the wind on my arms and face and watched the frisbee lazily pass from one of us to the next.

I've not played a lot of frisbee in my life. I usually feel a little embarrassed when I try, but no one cared, and they were patient when I messed up in super stupid ways, and I could really just let go and enjoy something for the first time in a while. I felt like I was part of something again. I felt accepted and included, which I've struggled to feel lately as I've tried to fit in with new roommates, new ward members, and even new co-workers. There I was, with people I've been friends with for a year, or in Devin's case, four, and it seemed like I fit together inside myself once more.

The sky was big overhead, and the air was refreshing, with the slightest edge. I watched that frisbee going round, from one of us to the next, feeling peace in my heart for the first time in weeks. It felt like I was finally still enough to rest and let some of the waves of stress wash out of me, there in that new spring grass. I felt quiet and connected all at once. When we were leaving, I took a second and just laid in the middle of that field, looking up at the ordinary, overcast night sky, thinking to myself how wonderful it felt just to be present. Just to be present for these very basic things--to throw a frisbee, with friends who already know me, not feeling nervous or judged, but accepted. To experience the breeze, watching that big sky with stars somewhere behind the clouds, and smelling the earth and the grass and my hair.

It was lovely. Truly a beautiful, lovely feeling to be there, with people I care about, just living and moving forward. It was the pause I've been needing. There are so many choices before me, and I've been pushing so hard... That pause. That pause was everything, and I am grateful for it.